


Hold On (Let's Go Home)

by Cirrius_Akiyo



Series: Love in the Dark [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Eddie Diaz, Established Relationship, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Married Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Not Beta Read, Sick Evan "Buck" Buckley, Sickfic, Songfic, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:14:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25028323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cirrius_Akiyo/pseuds/Cirrius_Akiyo
Summary: "I kissed Ana."
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan “Buck” Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: Love in the Dark [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1812451
Comments: 9
Kudos: 218





	Hold On (Let's Go Home)

**Author's Note:**

> This is written from Eddie's point of view. Title from the song "Hold On" by Chord Overstreet.

"I kissed Ana." Eddie confessed.

Buck stopped arranging the pillows on the bed and shifted his body so he is facing Eddie. His face remains unreadable.

"Were you drunk?" Buck simply asked as if that will explain Eddie's behaviour.

Eddie tries not to scoff. Even during this moment Buck is still trying to find any loophole to excuse Eddie's behaviour.

"No, Evan. How can I get drunk at a parents-teachers meeting." There is no excuse for what he did. Ana leaned in and Eddie allowed her to. The kiss was chaste, more like a peck, but still a kiss nonetheless. A kiss that should not had happened because Eddie has a husband that is coming home tonight from a long shift. Although he literally ran away after admonishing Ana, he still can't help feeling like he had cheated on Buck. Maybe he already did.

"I wasn't thinking." Eddie takes a step towards Buck who is still remain completely stoic at the end corner of their bed. He pulls Buck's hands into his, intertwined their fingers together. "And I am so sorry. For my behaviour. For causing you pain. I don't know what got into me when she leaned in. I did not reciprocate but I did not stop her either. Not that excuse myself but I just..." His apologies fell short when he saw Buck's eyes are brimming with fresh tears.

At that moment Eddie resolute himself to make up to Buck for as long as he lives.

_"Loving and fighting_  
_Accusing, denying_  
_I can't imagine a world with you gone_  
_The joy and the chaos, the demons we're made of_  
_I'd be so lost if you left me alone"_

  
///

The day after his confession flees without any major event. Buck had cried himself to sleep while curling into Eddie's side that night and Eddie had hold him through it all, showering Buck with endless apologies and sweet nothings. Not that Eddie got much sleep himself. Partly because of the guilt, and partly because he is afraid that Buck might leave while he was asleep.

When the morning comes, Eddie kissed Buck awake. Trying to rewrite the foreign imprint of Ana's lips with his husband's. Buck had smiled softly at him, and for a while, Eddie believed that everything will be okay.

They still work seamlessly that morning, falling between peaceful silence and hectic small calls. Buck is still a constant presence beside him, putting hope in their relationship. Buck is not pulling neither is he pushing Eddie away and Eddie take that as a good sign eventhough he is still berating himself for taking Buck's kindness and forgiving nature for granted.

It was short moment, but sometimes Eddie can see his husband scrunching his eyes shut as if in pain. Maybe the night-long crying finally catching up with Buck.

"Are you okay, Evan?" Eddie coaxed. Hand creeping up to the crook between Buck's shoulder and neck, feeling the stiff muscle there.

He can see Buck wills the pain away again. "I will be." Buck assures him.

It's funny to see how now Eddie seems to need the assurance when he knows Buck must have felt invalidated. That Buck must have thought that his inadequacy that prompted Eddie to kiss Ana. Or letting Ana kissed him, but that doesn't matter. He's guilty and that's the fact he needs to live with from now on.

But the pain doesn't seem to go away. Buck looks paler as the day goes by, stubbornly evading any prodding from Hen or Chimney.

It all come down when Buck all but running towards the toilet stall, retching whatever lunch Bobby has whisked up that afternoon. Eddie stood vigil beside him immediately, hand hasn't stop stroking Buck's back.

After a while, the retching stop and Eddie helps his husband to the sink.

"Maybe it's migraine." Buck supplies after rinsing his mouth. He is leaning sideway on the sink with Eddie's firm grip still tight on hips.

Eddie might had agreed for a moment there, until Buck's eyes rolled back into his skull as he slumped forward, falling into a heap while Eddie barely catching him.

Eddie knows he yells and scream for help as soon as they hit the floor. But it felt like eternity from when the help arrives and him straddling his unconscious husband in his lap.

_"You locked yourself in the bathroom_  
_Lying on the floor when I break through_  
_I pull you in to feel your heartbeat_  
_Can you hear me screaming "Please don't leave me"_

  
///

  
Time feels like it was stretched to eternity during the ambulance ride to the hospital. Buck was in and out of consciousness, alternating between throwing up biles, haze unresponsiveness and sudden screaming in pain. His pulse is getting weaker but they still don't know what is wrong with him. With his history of medical scares, it could be anything.

"Evan, can you hear me, sweetheart?" Eddie has asked when he saw Buck's eyes were opened albeit in small slits, searching for any sign of recognition. It was futile.

_"Hold on, I still want you_  
_Come back, I still need you_  
_Let me take your hand, I'll make it right_  
_I swear to love you all my life_  
_Hold on, I still need you"_

  
///

  
It was an aneurysm.

The MRI confirms it and in less than one hour, Eddie needs to sign the consent to surgery form.

Eddie knows fear. Eddie knows death. He had made peace with them even since he enlisted for the first time. It has been so long since Eddie feels this terrified. Terrified for his husband if something goes wrong, and if he survives, the complications that often warranted with this illness.

_"A long endless highway, you're silent beside me_  
_Drivin' a nightmare I can't escape from_  
_Helplessly praying, the light isn't fadin'_  
_Hiding the shock and the chill in my bones"_

  
///

After four and half grueling hours, Buck is back in ICU. Now all they can do is to wait for him to wake up, and from there, Buck needs to reach a two weeks mark without any or minimal complication to be on the safe side. Even when they reach the point is still a no guarantee that his husband might come back scatheless from this.

Eddie tries to think to the moments that lead to this. Was he the breaking point of Buck's ruptured aneurysm? Had his confession literally killing his husband softly from the inside? Was it better to keep his mistake hidden?

Eddie slowly took sight of his husband still form. His sunken eyes. His pale skin. Had he caused that? If he thinks he feel enough remorse and guilt yesterday, he doesn't know what is he even feeling right now.

"Evan, I don't know if you'll hear me, but please, find your way back to me. Please don't leave me, darling." Eddie pleads and begs to every deity there is for his husband to come back home.

_"They took you away on a table_  
_I pace back and forth as you lay still_  
_They pull you in to feel your heartbeat_  
_Can you hear me screaming, "Please don't leave me"_

  
///

Buck wakes up sometimes in the wee hours of the morning, screaming silently in pain while fighting against the tube in his throat.

Eddie continue to hold his hand afterwards, never letting it go. As if that would prevent Buck from slipping away because God knows he is not prepared. He'll never be.

Buck is still not lucid enough to hold a proper conversation. He is still high from the medications, but Eddie will take anything the universe throws at him as long as Buck's alive and awake.

_"Hold on, I still want you_  
_Come back, I still need you_  
_Let me take your hand, I'll make it right_  
_I swear to love you all my life_  
_Hold on, I still need you"_

  
///

Buck had showed signs of recognition of his surroundings. He hums when his name is called. He smiles when Eddie calls for him. Leaning his face into Eddie's welcoming palm when Eddie is caressing his jaw and Eddie could cry. Hell. He is crying for God's sake.

These few days is a roller-coaster of emotions. Eddie was literally shown among many ways he could lose Buck, be it from his stupidity or to this terrifying sickness. Proving the point that tomorrow is never guaranteed to any of them.

But for now, he is not letting his husband go.

_"I don't wanna let go_  
_I know I'm not that strong_  
_I just wanna hear you_  
_Saying baby, let's go home_  
_Let's go home_  
_Yeah, I just wanna take you home_  
_Hold on, I still want you_  
_Come back, I still need you"_

  
(Hold On - Chord Overstreet)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for stopping by at my first ever published fic. 
> 
> Series title from the Song "Love in the Dark" by Jessie Reyez.
> 
> Please leaves kudos/comments/kind words :)
> 
> Visit me at my Tumblr: Cirrius-Akiyo


End file.
